It’s funny how life works sometimes. I honestly have no idea where I’m going with this post but we’ll get there when we get there. I want to talk about something really important, though: miscarriage. You hear about women having them but you never hear women talking about them. It’s almost like they sweep it under the rug and move on. It shouldn’t be that way. Miscarrying is an extremely emotional experience and should be addressed and discussed and the mother should mourn if she wants.
I’ve had many and swept them under the rug, pretendeding I was totally fine… but this last one threw me for a loop. Let me backup for a second, and paint you a not-so-Bob-Ross picture of what I mean.
You know what they say about a mother’s intuition, right? They just know. It’s crazy but they just do. If you’re super in tune with your body, you know what’s up. I knew I was pregnant the second we conceived Leo and I knew he was a boy. It wasn’t a lucky guess, I freaking knew. Sure I swayed to thinking he was a girl for a while but right before we found out I told Adam it was a boy… while he thought girl. I won a pizza out of that bet and it was great.
Fast forward to summer 2018. I knew. I knew from the second we conceived. I started feeling all the symptoms I did with Leo, over the next few weeks, and it further confirmed everything. I felt it was still too early to really get excited, even though I had gotten a very faint positive, but I had no doubt in my mind. We took a trip to Chicago and I literally had to pee every hour, my sense of smell was out of this world, my body just felt different… the same different was felt with Leo. Speaking of Leo, he knew something was going on, too. It was wild. He kept patting my stomach and putting his head of my belly and trying to give my stomach a kiss and/or blow raspberries. Something he has NEVER done before. He also started being extra clingy and nursing a ton (but would only nurse on one side, which was strange).
While we were in Chicago, I started having some crazy pains. Then, while Leo was napping on me, I had a horrible, sharp pain on my right side. I immediately knew what was happening. I decided to get a box of tests to make sure everything was okay. By this time, my levels were high enough to land a lovely, clear double line on a cheap pregnancy test. But that wasn’t the case. As soon as I went to take the test, I started bleeding pretty badly. The cramping got worse and spread to my lower back and I knew it was the start of the end.
A tiny part of me thought maybe it was implantation bleeding. I had never had it with Leo but every pregnancy is different, ya know? I kept having to tell myself that it just wasn’t possible. Every time I started to question why it happened my mind immediately went to breastfeeding and then I would feel guilty because for Leo, he knew something was off and he was just trying to comfort himself.
I bled for over 4 days. I called my OB, got checked out, and he confirmed a miscarriage. He said it was probably due to low progesterone levels, which made me feel better because I was scared the contractions from breastfeeding may have been the cause. However, right before I went to Chicago I had a feeling something was off so I started putting progesterone cream on my stomach to help the chances of our sweet babe to bloom… but I think I was a little too late.
I keep telling myself, “I’ll be fine. It’s fine.” After you say it for a while, though, or, if you’ve had more than one miscarriage… those words start to mean less and less. I’ve masked each miscarriage but this one hit me so hard that I couldn’t hold back my emotions anymore.
Maybe it was because I was feeling all the same symptoms I felt with Leo, maybe it was because I was already emotional about Leo turning one, or maybe it was because I was so afraid of my body failing me again that when it did… it just confirmed everything.
Back before Leo, we were told kids weren’t an option and that adopting was the route we should be going. I think I may still be suffering emotional trauma from that because every time I’ve had a miscarriage, especially this last time, I think back to when I was sitting in the room with my first OB and hearing her say that to me… it made me feel like she was basically telling me my body was failing me, and no one should have to hear that.
So, while I’m still trying to process everything and be very open about it, I have to be in the mindset that I am extremely fortunate to have Leo and if I’m supposed to have another baby (which hopefully the progesterone makes that possible) then I’ll be so incredibly thankful for be given the chance to grow and nourish another little tater tot.
I know this is such a touchy subject but if you have been through a miscarriage and want to share, I’m here. If you know someone that has been through one, let them know you’re there for them. Love them. Be there for them. Wrap your arms around them and encourage them.